What Not To Wear: 50 Halloween Costumes To Avoid

By Teddy Wayne, Mike Sacks, and Dan Kennedy

(Originally appeared in Radar on Oct. 29, 2007)

Whether you’re trying to get lucky or simply look cool this Halloween, here are 50 costumes you’re better off skipping:

1. Amish sexpot

2. Barry Bonds's future Hall of Fame asterisk

3. Smooth-jazz xylophonist

4. Composite of Anthony Michael Hall characters from John Hughes films

5. Forlorn business traveler in a midpriced hotel

6. Hairy angel

7. Tube of tainted Chinese toothpaste

8. Larry Craig's right foot

9. Substitute math teacher with chronic armpit-sweat problem

10. A roofie

11. Taser victim

12. The Wall Street Journal editorial page

13. Hemp-wearing liberal arts sociology major

14. Taint

15. Jared from Subway

16. Spandex-clad C+C Music Factory backup dancer

17. Gerardo/Geraldo (reversible outfit)

18. NAMBLA lobbyist

19. Obese nudist

20. Kurt Loder

21. Woman in the midst of a 13-hour crying jag

22. Saved by the Bell: The New Class–era Screech

23. Chubby devil

24. For a couple, Uday and Qusay Hussein

25. Circa-1986 C. Thomas Howell

26. Studs-era Mark DeCarlo

27. The Elephant Man, via your peanut allergy

28. Gallagher's understudy

29. Your boss on fire

30. Slutty 51-year-old male college librarian

31. Twentysomething Hitler

32. Timid shut-in who simply adores children

33. Morose, disillusioned midlevel government bureaucrat

34. Wal-Mart greeter

35. An anthropomorphic pile of dung

36. You in respectful Rosa Parks blackface

37. Connie from accounts payable

38. Hobo with the dry heaves

39. Ahmed Best, the voice-and-motion thespian behind Jar Jar Binks

40. 350 mg tablet of mood stabilizer Wellbutrin

41. What inmates call a "corn bitch"

42. Flim-flam man working the short con

43. Dirty, thieving, stinky gypsy, with a t-shirt that says as much

44. Homosexual prison guard in the 1978 Turkish-prison movie Midnight Express

45. Forest Whitaker's lazy eye

46. Unemployed fast-food manager and adulterer

47. That little boy who falls into the shit-filled hole in Schindler's List

48. Life-size version of the drug-resistant staph infection known as MRSA

49. Your favorite character from your favorite movie, One Night in Paris

50. Christopher Paul Neil, 32, suspected pedophile recently apprehended in Thailand

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